28 November 2008

IVF

I have officially been in the IVF process for a little over a month today.  When Tom and I first found out that IVF was our only option left to try and have more children, I was devastated.  My greatest fear for a very large part of my life was that I would be unable to have children.  I had an idiotic doctor once who told me I'd have problems just based on my Mother's difficulties to have me.  Then, along came Thomas.  I thought what fools doctors are while I cradled my beautiful like boy in my arms.  Fast forward two years, to when I'm "ready" to have another one and I have my ectopic.  My ectopic was by no means fun, and I know that Ectopic pregnancy remains the leading cause of pregnancy-related death in the first trimester of pregnancy.  However, my doctor led Tom and I to believe that there would be no issues with my remaining tube and getting pregnant.  Oh how wrong he was.  Without going into too much horrid details here,  without major surgery that would put me in bed for six weeks, with a colostomy bag for my healing time, and the possibility of needing one for the rest of my life, and the whole thing  not even necessarily working, IVF is our only option.  Cost aside, it took me a long time after finding out that it was our option to determine if it was an option for me.  My deciding factor was one afternoon a few weeks after we found out, Thomas woke up from his nap and opened the gate at the top of the steps all by himself.  In the course of six seconds my brain went through the following thoughts, "I guess we can take the gate down, since Thomas obviously can get down here without it.  Oh, I'll just leave it up for the next kid.  Oh wait, I can't have anymore kids."  Then I started to cry.  It was at that moment I realized the thought of not having any more children upset me much more then IVF made me uncomfortable.  After my decision I had to wait a month before I could start my monitoring month.  The month leading up, I was a mess.  When I was in a good mode, I was okay with my decision.  When I was upset, about anything, and that was pretty often, I would start to doubt and worry and make myself even more of a  mess.  Surprisingly, once the monitoring month started I was OK.  I figured the day I started I'd have a panic attack and spend the day curled up on my bathroom floor, but I was OK.  I guess the fear of the unknown was making the waiting hard, not what I was waiting for.  My monitoring month was pretty easy, I guess they can monitor from afar.  I took birth control for a couple of weeks, to make me more regular, and then I started my lupron ejections, to put me into medical menopause.  I was told by one of my nurses that lupron is the "evil" drug.  It causes all the things that make menopause fun, acne, weight gain, hot flashes and the mecca of side effects, mood swings.  I was very worried about what the lupron would do to my mood.  Tom and I even came up with a safety word he could yell at me if I really started to loose it.  So every morning I would wake up and give myself 10 units of Lupron in my upper thigh.  Well, the first few days Tom gave me the actually shot.  I had set everything up but was too afraid to stick it in.  Tom did an excellent job, and within a couple of days I was able to do the whole thing myself.  After a few days I was impressed by how well I was holding together.  I had a couple of hot flashes, but I was actually feeling like I was in better control of my mood, I felt more even.  After a week on the drug I had my first doctor appointment and I did not get good news.  I had developed 10 cysts and they had to double my dose.  So much for my monitoring month being over and simulation starting the next day.  My daily routine continued for another week, only now I'm was taking 20 units.  Still my mood was okay, and I realized that my hot flashes were less if I didn't get aggravated.  A week later I had another appointment and the news was even worse.  Most of the cysts had gone away but one got gigantic.  Apparently, this was all normal-ish.  It has happened to women before and both the nurse and doctor assured me that this by no means means I can't do IVF it just means they have to switch things up.  It turns out that the Lupron was just passing right though me and not reducing my estrogen level like it's supposed to, hence the lack of insanity.  However, they need to get rid of all the cysts before they can continue the process.  Since my estrogen levels were still too high they decided to take the route where I have to go back on birth control and basically start from scratch.  But by the time I'd be ready to try a new menopause causing drug we'll be in the middle of December and that's when the office shuts down for two weeks for the holidays and there can be no embryo transfers during that time.  So what does that mean for me?  It means that IVF won't be starting for me until January of 2009, 2 1/2 months after the process has officially started and more than 3 months after I decided to do this in the first place.  I was hoping to be six weeks pregnant by then.  
If the waiting wasn't hard enough, my husbands entire family treating me with kid gloves just pushes me over the edge!  Guess what people, it I wasn't strong enough to get though all this  I wouldn't have chosen this option.  Just because you aren't strong enough, doesn't mean I'm not.  My biggest problem with this is you all treating me like I can't handle anything, and time.

I keep telling myself I'll be okay once I'm pregnant...

3 comments:

Sarene said...

Thank you so much for opening up about this. You are such a strong person. Don't ever forget that.

I wish you all of the best and a very happy holiday season.

Izzysmom said...

It will happen...you know it will happen. I know time sucks and it makes it hard for you to get a handle on how you feel, but very very soon you will be laughing about all of this, bouncing a brand new baby on your knee. Don't be too hard on Tom's family, your family or yourself. They treat you with kid gloves because they care about you and want to protect you...even if you don't need their protection. As Sarene said - you are incredibly strong and will get through this with flying colors. Thinking of you and here to talk if you need it.

Angel711 said...

Thanks for your kind words. I very much appreciate you both!